Notes on singleness
Growing up, I remember performing dances (I was doing ballet at some point) at weddings, or attending ceremonies of my parents’ friends’ children who are way older than me, flying to Bali for my older cousin’s wedding, to receiving a wedding invitation from a former coworker, and giving a little speech at a friend’s wedding.
Only a couple of months ago I helped arrange my best friend’s proposal, and more and more I see many friends my age tying their knots. In this season of life, I witness many around me, embarking (or planning to..) onto a life journey that felt very far from reach for me.
Entering my n-th year being single, with attempts to date and get to know new people here and there, here are the notes I accumulated from my many journal entries about love and singleness.
Love is not a goal
I think as we see these milestones checked by people around us, it is easy to also want to get to that point. In the past few years, I attempted dating (spoiler alert: it never went past the talking stage) as a project without even realizing it. It almost felt like I just want to “secure” someone. Not only did this drive me to some very bad matches, but also I was forcing things that are not meant to be. In the same way that you cannot force loving yourself, you, too, cannot force it on a stranger. Let alone expect it from them.
Self-respect first
Continuing on the topic of loving yourself… many would tell you to love yourself first before loving others. Yes, there is some truth to it. But I won’t agree with this completely. Loving is a hard job. Loving ourselves, which means accepting all the flaws that we have, is completely different to accepting someone else’s. A lot of us cannot even face our own demons. I do not know what biological or social explanation may be behind it, but I think we humans tend to be kinder and less harsh on others, than on ourselves. So it makes loving ourselves a much tougher thing to do.
I used to hate myself. It was a strong, and intense feeling of disliking myself very much I would rather disappear. How do you expect me to suddenly love myself?
But throughout the years, I grew something more fundamental, and to me much more valuable than self-love. And that is self-respect.
It is respecting yourself enough to not want to introduce something to your life that brings in a net negative. Respecting yourself enough to not put yourself in situations. It is more of a “let me give you space” and “here are our boundaries”, rather than an emotion-filled “I like and care about you” action — towards yourself.
Put simply, imagine someone you respect and how you act towards them — practice that same attitude towards yourself.
Even now when I can say I love myself and love spending time with myself, the more constant thing is respect. That is something you establish with yourself, and not fleeting feelings, like love.
And so, love is just feelings —
I believe secondary school years were when most of us started “liking” someone or considering getting into relationships. I remember the days I was filled with the hubbub of not knowing whether the person I liked, liked me back — playing Hugh Grant and Haley Bennet’s A Way Back Into Love or Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours while daydreaming the prospect of being someone’s someone. Simpler days were sweeter, huh?
But, what did I even know about myself, or the other person back then? I realised sometimes I still carry this very naive puppy-love approach to love. But love is just feelings, once again. Attraction, a sub-set or even a prequel to love, is also just feelings. I believe they are just chemicals and hormones in our bodies, at the end of the day.
— and, to know yourself is to love better
Yet getting together with someone requires more than just.. feelings. There are values and characters that could only be unearthed over time. Including those of your own. If you do not know yourself, how would you know if the other person is for you?
Don’t focus on the lacks
In the earlier years of these n years of singleness, I was more agitated and concerned about being single. “What is so bad about me?”, “Why do people not want me?”, “Am I that unloveable?” — as I see people moving on to their next dates, next partner at what felt like the speed of light. I could not even love myself then. I had a lot of work to be done — which, of course, could be done when you are in a relationship (I’m not saying you have to be perfect before dating someone). But I am glad I got to work on those things with my family — particularly my sister, who is my polar opposite and whom I have become a lot more alike with — through our many fights and reconciliations.
Through my parents, my sister, and my close friends, I got reminded of how loved I am. Even when it is different to romantic love, it still fills my heart with so much so with this, too, I am enough.
I would like to think there is more to this note than what is written above, but I will need more time to process them.
Singleness in itself is a precious time you have to journey life with yourself — arguably the only person you would spend the most time with, in your lifetime.
In this season of life that you may miss in the future, find the time to be with yourself, walk with intention, and appreciate the peace that aloneness offers.
Parting words — I wish you all a kinder sea, a lighter heart to respect yourself, and the bliss of ignoring who may be the one for you (P.S. the one may not even exist).
