I left the UK
In August, I boarded my plane taking me from Manchester to Singapore. It was my final, one-way ticket from the UK. I was leaving the UK for good — a place that had become home when coming home wasn’t possible, and a place I grew fond of after five pretty long years.
When I told my closest friends that I was leaving for good, many were shocked. Of course, I had always said in our conversations that “ideally… I wanna stay in the UK for a couple more years to work, before going back to Indonesia. In the very long term, 10–20 years from now, I do want to settle in Indonesia or somewhere in Asia.” It really was the answer I repeat every time someone asked me about future plans — and it happened often.
A student with my profile, who I’d confidently call a go-getter and quite literally someone who climbed her way up from a small-town girl to graduating from Cambridge — an achievement that marked my family’s relentless pursuit for the best education and often spared nothing to get me the education they think I deserve (to which I’m incredibly thankful for) — there’s an expectation that I might have it “easier” in breaking into the UK labour market aka getting employed after uni.
It wasn’t at all the case. And in some ways, it drove my decision to leave.
When people ask me: “why?” why leave? You have so many opportunities in the UK, isn’t leaving now only gonna break your momentum that has been going so well? I thought of these too.
I think as international students, we have this pressure to prove ourselves not only to do well and graduate at uni “with a distinction preferably”, but somehow also be able to stay in that country and not return — at least in the short to medium term. In my earlier circle at university, there was this stereotype that those who return home are simply those who aren’t good enough to get hired in the UK. As if there’s a superiority in “working in the UK”. I get it, I thought of it in that breadth too, and I think you’d be lying if somehow, at the back of your head, you never ever for a split second think so too.
I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with this. Being employable internationally is quite an achievement. Being in such a competitive landscape, i.e., literally competing with other students — locals and other international students or graduates — and making it as the chosen one by any company is no small feat. I get it. But it’s not the only thing that matters. I came to realise, really it doesn't define how good you are and it’s never about who’s more superior to whom.
I often receive DMs from students asking “do you think I can get a job in the UK if I graduate from so and so university or so and so degree?”. I really cannot tell — simply because your employability doesn’t solely depend on your “labels” aka university and degree. There’s so much to it, and one thing I realised was very powerful was actually timing. I will talk about this in another post.
So naturally, internally, I was in a battle with myself.
I admit it, I’m a highly anxious person, and I’m afraid of judgement. It’s just something I grew up with — always looking behind my back, observing others, anticipating if anyone would say anything bad about me with my decisions or with what I say. Being quite active on social media only amplified this feeling. I felt like a fraud. I had all these things going well with me (or at least seemingly so), but on the inside, I felt really… horrible and “not enough” was a feeling that I had to face every day.
My antidote whenever this happens, is I journal. I first had to figure out why I wanted to stay in the first place. What are the logical, and perhaps illogical reasons? It all boils down to two things: (1) I don’t want to be labelled a “failure” for leaving the UK because I don’t get any job offer, and (2) the UK was a comfort zone — adapting to the UK took me some time and now I’m so used to it now I couldn’t imagine adapting to yet another way of living in a different country, not even Indonesia, my homeland.
I could flaunt all the reasons and theories behind why I did not get any job offer to make me feel good about myself. From things like timing (which in actuality is probably the best explanation I have), losing my focus for a couple of months (TL-DR I was focusing on PhD application — this is another chunk of the story for another time), blaming my MPhil that further confused me in what I want to do with life and career, and so much more…
Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself, perhaps these are actually really valid reasons. But I don’t like anything that comes close to excuses. So yes, the fact is, I applied to UK companies, I interviewed and did not get any offers. Maybe it was more of a lack of effort on my part. Who knows? And, it doesn’t matter anyway.
I had this tough pill to swallow and a confession that’s no less difficult to make — but I always want to hold myself accountable and be transparent: I think I had let my ego get the best of me. I wasn’t keeping my feet on the ground. I thought, hell, I worked so hard for my admission to Cambridge, and when I got in, I felt like it might actually ease my process, and increase my chances of scoring a job here — or anywhere at all.
But never once it made anything easier. At least when it comes to job search.
I realised that looking for jobs is a black box, there are so many variables and “tailoring your CV” won’t always work. And really, for a second when my ego took the wheel, I lost that grounded and humble part of me. It’s hard to write this here — harder to write it in my journal and be truly honest with myself at first. But, I honestly thought I was “great”. That I’d get a job easily. When people around me constantly reaffirm this by saying “you have an incredible CV”, even during interviews, it did mess up with my ego. Of course, I’m not that great.
So the following 3 months of summer were filled with keeping my ego in check and really, a lot of learning and re-grounding and re-humbling myself. (In addition to frantically applying for jobs every day and crying myself to sleep some nights, feeling guilty that I ever thought myself as that amazing).
By August, nearing my BRP (visa) expiry date, I came to the conclusion that perhaps I’d leave the UK for good.
But, was not getting a job offer the only driving reason?
Not really.
On one hand, yes, there really is nothing keeping me in the UK apart from my community and my ego (ahem). On the other hand, there was much that went behind the thought process, and this is what mine looked like.
I actually had a lot of alternatives if I really wanted to stay. Say, targeting other companies (aka being less idealistic) and applying for the 2-year graduate worker visa (so I can stay longer and find a job there). But there was another major pull factor that really made the difference.
Before leaving the UK in August, I went back to Indonesia for a holiday in June. Then, little did I know that the next time I came back to the UK would also be the time for me to pack my life away. But June was the first time I set foot in my hometown in Pekanbaru after 3 years. Yes, I did not go home at all during the pandemic.
You know that feeling when your heart sank to your stomach?
That was me when I saw my parents through the glasses that separate the baggage claim area and arrival lounge that day in June. I called them almost every week, but seeing them in real life made me realise that they are getting older. It was another reality check for me. It immediately made me question, there and then, “what else am I after?”.
During my five years in the UK, my study was always number one. Then career and personal development. Then friends and community. My family kinda took a backseat.
That day when I arrived, my parents and I went to a restaurant and we ordered my favourite dish: salted egg crab (hehe). Then my dad told me about a video that he recently watched — about a question posed to parents. The question was somewhere along this line: “would you rather your kids be eagles or doves?”. Eagles signify independent children, leaving their “nest” as they grow old, and doves represent loyal children who always come back home.
I teased him and asked, “Which one do you prefer Pa?”
He didn’t give me a direct answer. He is a very direct person. I knew his answer was a diplomatic one — he’s always wanted whatever is best for us and if we think being an eagle is it, I believe he’d support it — regardless of the weight in his heart. My mom too.
I knew deep down he and my mom wanted us (me and my sister) close. And I knew deep down, I wanted that too.
You probably guessed the conclusion.
At this point, I really didn’t care about judgement. It was an immediate mindset shift. Nothing else mattered. My priorities changed, and suddenly, I’m okay with anything that may follow it — including even looking for jobs in Indonesia, or somewhere else.
So then the combination of (1) doors closed in the UK, and (2) changing priorities which include being close to my parents while I can and as they’re still very much able, materialise into my decision to leave.
You see, I think there isn’t one particular answer to whether you should stay or leave — regardless of where it is (geographically or phase-wise). At the end of the day, regardless of all these logical exercises, at least for me, I went with my gut feeling.
Even during the gruelling process of job search, again and again, I came to be confident with my choice to leave. Having my parents (and sister) as my anchors, my sister telling me “it’s okay, you’ve got me, you’ve got Pa and Ma”, assured me it was the right decision.
Leaving the UK felt right. It wasn’t a heavy decision. I truly cherished the years I spent in the UK — those really were my coming-of-age moments. I got to experience literally everything I could ever ask for, I met some really good friends whom I knew would stay with me for a long time, and so much more I cannot express in words. But like the end of any good book, you know at some point, it just has to end. And I bravely ended it then.
My next ‘book’ (rather than a chapter) is one that is exciting and filled with genuine joy and happiness. I am now working in Singapore. I don’t know what my future might look like. I don’t have a “post” to run to. My crushing 3-months filled with ego-check and returning-to-my-core taught me one very important life lesson.
To learn to be okay with being.
Not becoming, not succeeding or anything. But just being.
Because truly only in the process you’re able to appreciate things for what they are. And so, any decisions you make will feel as light as feather. Being okay with being in the process is really one of the most liberating feelings ever.
And you know what? All that glitters is indeed, not gold.
Best of luck peeps, and be courageous always. I hope the story resonates.
